I have wanted to start writing this post for weeks, because I knew it couldn’t be one that I just knocked out on New Year’s Eve. It’s not already written in my head, which some of my ramblings often are. This feels like it deserves more.

And yet it’s 31st December and I honestly don’t know where to start. How do I find the words, while deliberately avoiding the one beginning with C?

False starts
I have spent the last 3 New Year’s Eves toasting to 2019/20/21 being MY year. The year my heart might not sink every time an email pings or something official-looking arrives in the post. The year without hurdle after hurdle after hurdle. The year I finally get my life back on a track I’ve chosen. Thank goodness I didn’t realise how long it would take to climb the mountain when I found myself at the bottom of it.

2022 will be a year clean of medication. After a few false starts, I came off prescription drugs after 5 years of treating something that I’m not even sure was the problem. The weeks of weaning myself off were strange (that’s putting it lightly), with a lot of side effects that mirror the symptoms I went on them for in the first place. But the result? Worth it. The lightest and clearest I have felt in years. If you know, you know.

New beginnings
A few days before Christmas Facebook kindly reminded me that it was 11 years since I packed my stuff into a few car loads and left Reading for Wales. In a few days, I’m heading back over the bridge with the most important belongings in my life (that’s my babies, not my gin collection). The two constants over the last decade who mean that I will never have regrets about being here to start with.

We leave Wales – but not the best bits. A handful of the most wonderful people on the planet. As I tell them often, I’m going to Northamptonshire not the moon – it’s not far when you want to make the effort. But as right as this decision has always been for me and my tribe, that doesn’t mean it’s been an easy one to make. To those that encourage me and share my excitement, I’ll never find the right words, but I’ll never forget.

Bear and The Boy. My reasons – for everything. For the stuff we’ve done together and stuff that’s still to come. For the adventures, the sofa cwtches, the chaos, the arguments over who loves who the most, the insistence on loading the washing machine (The Boy) and the notes on my pillow at bedtime (Bear). What would I do without you? Your characters, confidence and resilience make me so proud, and even more so to be your Mummy. There were times that you were THE reasons for getting out of bed, putting one foot in front of the other and carrying on, and thank goodness I did. Look what we have waiting for us, little ones. 

Fresh start
Happy New Year, peeps. After 3 years of toasting to it, and 3 years of being stuck in the same story, 2022 WILL be The Year™ – of big, brave decisions and of more than just a new chapter; it’s a whole new book. I’m lucky, I’m grateful and I’m ready to go home.

Laura xx